I burst into tears yesterday whilst I was doing some step aerobics at home. Yesterday I had decided to watch a TV programme and do some exercise whilst it was on, so as not to just sit vegging on the sofa. It's the sort of thing that I always thought I would do, but never really got round to it because BB needed my attention or I would claim that I was too tired to do that as well as everything else but having been going to the gym for a month now I knew that the excuse didn't wash.
I really wasn't paying attention to myself and was watching the programme and getting really into it (The Newsroom on Sky, totally recommend it if you like Drama) when I suddenly realised I was bawling my eyes out. It sounds callous to say that I forced myself to carry on with the workout, without stopping to cry but it was what I really wanted. I wanted to be pushing myself for the time I had set to one side to work out.
I cried again this morning when I was at the gym, but I was so sweaty people probably just thought it was sweat running down my face. I tried really hard not to make those guilt inducing sobs, not that anyone would have noticed we all have our headphones on and the music in the gym is really loud. I pushed on with the cross trainer, pulling and pushing and stepping in time until I felt a little calmer and then came this ecstatic feeling, a feeling of accomplishment and then all of a sudden I knew why I was crying.
I was crying because exercising is cathartic. All the pent up feelings are pouring out, because my body is getting rid of a lot of negativity and those horrid little voices that tell me I'm overweight and no good are being silenced more and more each work out.
I cried because I'm working my body so hard the muscles are finally getting a chance to do what they were designed to do and it feels so great. I've lost a few lbs (four actually) since starting to work out and I can see changes in my muscle tone already and I'm proud of me instead of being ashamed.
These aren't the tears of someone working too hard that they are hurting, these aren't the tears of someone who is exhausted or someone who hates what they are doing. These are the tears of a woman finally realising that she can do this.
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